Friendships can be one of the most rewarding parts of life, but they can also be one of the most complicated.
Many of us grow up believing that good friendships should last forever. We stay connected to school friends, university friends or people we've known for decades. Sometimes those friendships continue to feel supportive and meaningful. At other times, we may begin to notice that something has changed.
Perhaps you no longer have much in common. Maybe your values have shifted, your interests have evolved or you've grown in different directions. Sometimes we find ourselves maintaining a friendship more out of history, loyalty or obligation than genuine connection.
This can be difficult to acknowledge.
There can be a sense of guilt when we realise that a friendship no longer feels nourishing or balanced. We might tell ourselves that we "should" be grateful for the history we share or that we owe the friendship our continued investment because of everything we've been through together.
Yet relationships are not static. Just as we change throughout our lives, our friendships can change too.
When Friendships Feel One-Sided
One of the most common themes I hear in counselling is the feeling of being the person who always makes the effort.
Perhaps you are the one who initiates contact, organises meet-ups, checks in when things are difficult and remembers important events. Over time, this can leave you feeling drained, unappreciated or even resentful.
Sometimes friendships can also become subtly judgemental. You may notice that you don't feel entirely comfortable being yourself around certain people. Perhaps you find yourself filtering what you say, worrying about how you will be perceived or feeling criticised rather than supported.
Healthy friendships generally allow space for both people to grow, change and be themselves.
Outgrowing Friendships
Outgrowing a friendship does not necessarily mean that someone has done something wrong.
Sometimes it simply means that the relationship no longer fits who you are today.
This can feel particularly challenging if you've spent years being the person who prioritises other people's needs over your own. Many people struggle to give themselves permission to step back from relationships that leave them feeling depleted.
It can be helpful to ask yourself:
- How do I feel after spending time with this person?
- Do I feel accepted and understood?
- Is the effort balanced?
- Am I maintaining this friendship because I genuinely want to, or because I feel I should?
These questions are not about judging others. They are about understanding what you need from your relationships.
Friendships and Neurodivergence
Friendships can be especially complicated for neurodivergent people, including those with ADHD, autism or AuDHD.
Many neurodivergent adults describe feeling different from others from a young age. Some have spent years masking – consciously or unconsciously trying to fit in, appear more socially acceptable or hide aspects of themselves.
As a result, friendships can sometimes feel exhausting.
Some neurodivergent people struggle with social energy and need more time alone to recharge. Others experience rejection sensitivity, meaning that perceived criticism, exclusion or conflict can feel particularly painful.
Communication differences can also create challenges. A neurodivergent person may communicate very directly, while others may interpret this as bluntness. Equally, they may miss social cues, struggle with small talk or find group dynamics difficult to navigate.
Many clients tell me that receiving an ADHD or autism diagnosis later in life has prompted them to re-evaluate their friendships. They begin to ask questions such as:
- Which friendships allow me to be myself?
- Which relationships rely on me masking?
- Who accepts me as I am?
For many people, this process can feel both liberating and unsettling.
It's Okay for Relationships to Change
There is often pressure to maintain every friendship indefinitely, but relationships naturally evolve.
Some friendships last a season. Others last a lifetime. Neither is necessarily better or worse.
What matters is whether a friendship continues to feel supportive, respectful and authentic.
Sometimes the healthiest thing we can do is invest more energy in relationships that feel mutual and nourishing, while gently allowing others to take up less space in our lives.
It is possible to appreciate what a friendship once gave us whilst also recognising that it may no longer be what we need today.
And that's okay.
Want Some Space to Talk This Through?
If any of this resonates with you, counselling can provide a supportive space to explore your relationships, understand recurring patterns and think about what you need from the people in your life.
Whether you're questioning a friendship, navigating loneliness, struggling with boundaries or adjusting to changes in your relationships, you don't have to work it out alone.
I offer face-to-face counselling near Ludlow, Shropshire, as well as online and telephone sessions across the UK. Get in touch here to find out more.
Images:
Ivan Rohovchenko on Unsplash
Sam Badmaeva on Unsplash