Small changes, motivation and being a little less hard on yourself
Have you ever decided that this week you'll exercise more, go to bed earlier, spend less time on your phone or finally get on top of something you've been putting off — only to find yourself slipping back into exactly the same routine? It's very easy at that point to decide we're lazy, lack discipline or simply need to try harder. But I'm not sure that's particularly helpful.
What changing my own habits taught me
When I was training to become a counsellor, I had to become much more intentional about how I used my time. Alongside everything else in life, there was suddenly a lot of reading, studying and assignment writing to fit in. I realised that waiting until I felt motivated wasn't always going to work. One thing that made a real difference for me was learning more about habits. James Clear's Atomic Habits was something of a game changer. The idea that stayed with me was that meaningful change doesn't necessarily require a dramatic overhaul. Small, repeated changes can gradually alter not only our routines, but also how we feel about ourselves. As I became more consistent, I began to trust myself more. That had an impact on my confidence and self-esteem too.
Knowing what to do isn't the same as doing it
Most of us already know many of the things that are supposedly “good for us”. Knowing isn't necessarily the problem. When we're tired, anxious, overwhelmed, low or simply juggling too much, our capacity to make deliberate choices can be very different. And for neurodivergent people, things such as executive functioning, transitions, time awareness and fluctuating motivation can make conventional advice about consistency and discipline particularly difficult. Sometimes a habit also serves a purpose. Scrolling might give us stimulation or help us switch off. Avoiding a task might temporarily reduce anxiety. Staying up late might be the only time we feel we have to ourselves. Understanding this can be much more useful than simply telling ourselves to stop.
Replace criticism with curiosity
Instead of:
“Why can't I just make myself do this?”
It can help to ask:
“What's getting in the way?”
“What am I getting from the habit I already have?”
“What would make the thing I want to do easier?”
That small change in language moves us away from judgement and towards understanding ourselves.
Make it smaller
We often make change unnecessarily difficult. Instead of deciding you'll exercise five times a week, perhaps start with a ten-minute walk. Instead of completely reorganising your life, choose one drawer, one email or one small task. You can also change your environment. Leave your trainers somewhere visible. Prepare something the night before. Put your phone away from the bed. Link something new to something you already do every day. Small doesn't mean insignificant. Small makes something easier to repeat — and repetition is what allows habits to develop.
You don't have to do it perfectly
This has probably been one of the most useful things I've learned. Consistency isn't the same as perfection. There will be holidays, busy weeks, illness, tired days and times when routines disappear completely. Missing a few days doesn't undo everything you've done. Perhaps the more useful habit is learning how to come back without criticising yourself for having stopped.
Sometimes there's more underneath
If you repeatedly struggle with motivation or changing particular patterns, it doesn't necessarily mean you need more willpower.
Anxiety, low mood, burnout, ADHD, perfectionism and low self-esteem can all influence our behaviour. Sometimes the habits we've developed are ways we've learned to cope.
Counselling can offer a space to become curious about those patterns — understanding what's underneath them, recognising what you need and finding ways of making changes that feel realistic for you. Sometimes meaningful change really does begin very small. Feel free to get in touch if you'd like a space to explore this.