Have you ever felt as though you don’t fit in? Like everyone else seems to have their s**t together whilst you feel like you’re scrambling to keep up with simple every day life tasks like cleaning your teeth or remembering where you put your keys?!
Do you ever notice adjusting your behaviour, depending on who you’re with, to try and blend in - worrying about what others think, or replaying conversations in your head after the event? People pleasing and struggling to say no, or hide parts of yourself to feel accepted in a group situation. You might have experienced this for a long time, going back as far as primary or secondary school, wondering…“Is there something wrong with me?”
Where does feeling different come from?
Our sense of belonging often develops through our early experiences. You may have been criticised, compared with others or made to feel too sensitive, too emotional, too quiet, too loud – or simply somehow “too much”, or even sometimes not enough.
Over time, instead of thinking “These people don’t understand me,” we may begin to internalise these feelings and experiences with thoughts like “There must be something wrong with me.”
We can then become very good at adapting – putting other people’s needs first, hiding how we really feel or changing ourselves depending on who we’re with. While this may help us feel accepted, constantly adapting can also be exhausting and we can lose a sense of who we are: our identity.
Neurodivergence and feeling like you don’t fit in
For some people, discovering ADHD or autism later in life can bring a new understanding of why they’ve always felt different. You may have spent years working harder than others seemed to in order to manage everyday life, relationships or social expectations. You might have learned to mask – consciously or unconsciously changing aspects of yourself to fit in.
Recognising neurodivergence can sometimes bring relief: “Maybe I wasn’t failing, my brain simply works differently.” It can offer an opportunity to understand yourself with greater compassion rather than continually asking why you can’t be more like everyone else. Maybe you don’t need to fit in everywhere.
Exploring neurodivergence later in life can, however, also bring a sense of loss or grief for the years you spent feeling unseen, misunderstood or somehow “too much”. You may find yourself wondering how different life might have been had you understood yourself sooner – and known why you often felt different, struggled to keep up, or found it difficult to fit in.
Feeling that you don’t fit in doesn’t necessarily mean there is something about you that needs fixing. Notice the people around whom you can relax. The relationships where you don’t have to rehearse what you say, hide parts of yourself or worry constantly about being judged. Belonging isn’t always about becoming better at fitting in, it’s sometimes about finding where you DO fit in, finding your people!
How counselling can help
Counselling can help you explore where your sense of feeling different began and understand patterns such as people-pleasing, masking, self-doubt or constantly adapting to others.
For those exploring ADHD, autism or neurodivergence, it can also offer a space to understand your experiences through a more compassionate, neurodiversity-affirming lens. Perhaps instead of asking: “How can I make myself fit in?”
A more helpful question might be: “Where – and with whom – can I truly be myself?”
Get in touch to arrange a free introductory call